Hellmouth Portal

My friend told me I was a colorist.

I was complaining on the phone the other day that Jackie and Fez are not meant for each other and when she asked me why, the first thing that popped out of my mouth was, "Well… They’re both short and they have the same hair color!" I think I even said that they’re the same specie, ethnic wise or something. And my friend exclaimed, "Aha! Colorist!" Haha, I now have a new term for racists.

+++

I am very lazy. But I try to work, y’know. My friends think I’m really not doing anything… well, okay, a bit true … but I’ve tried to. I’ve been trying to finish a goddamn short story for months now! I only need one more! I always start with a page or two (I actually have a seven page thing already but it’s just so stupid it’s rotting in my computer’s memory) and then throw it away. Yes, I’ve been doing this for months now. It’s harder to write when you’re doing it for a grade. When I’m always thinking of the readers. That’s why I decided that I’m not suitable for professional writing. I thought I will continue this course but I’ve decided that once I get out of this writer’s block, I’ll shift to Psychology. Something I’ve been very curious about since I was in elementary. So, anyhoo, I have this writer block still. I was almost finished with my script but I decided to redo it all over again because… it’s stupid! Another friend told me I was a perfectionist. Not really. It’s just it’s really, really, really stupid this time. So, I tried to do a writing exercise first. It’s something I got from reading lots of fanfics. This girl wrote a Hyde/Jackie fanfic to cure her writer’s block by the help of some country songs. From, those country songs, she derived the twelve chapters of the fic. I thought it was cool so I’m trying to do it with the MCR songs, the second album. But I’m not that great so I took out parts of the lyrics out of the context for each chapter’s introduction but I’m still doing it in a chronological order. It’s okay, so far, I guess. I don’t know what the hell is happening yet. But at least, something I like is finally spurting out from my pen.

Nobody’s Fault But Mine

Turning around this corner for the thousandth time

Trying to shake away the look on your face

Just then, I wanted to die

To stop myself in spilling out the words, the truth that hurts

To stop myself from killing you

[chorus]

Now I’m back again inside my messed up head

How can one mistake take everything away?

Again inside my foolish self

You’re not here to pull me out this time

And it’s nobody’s fault but mine

Cigarette dangling, bottle of beer for a friend

Memories dancing its way in front of my eyes

That day, I wanted to die

Because you fell apart in front of me, pleading it was a lie

I wished for God to make it a lie

[bridge]

Swallowed my pride

I love you, please, don’t let me live like this

I’m stumbling on streets wet like my eyes so red

Rolled upon it like it’s our bed

And dreamt about your face that smiles

Wishing for its warmth

Wrapping around me like you used to

With your gentle arms

That fades the world away

So quiet as alone we lay

Now alone I lay

====

Needs editing. Problem with tenses. But I love it very much even if my lyrics are typical and lame. I believe it will pass a formalistic approach test, setting aside the problem with my tenses of course. Well okay, I don’t know really. I’m rationalizing… I love it because well, it’s Hyde and Jackie inspired! Yea! Love them so much together. Insane television writers, I tell you. I can’t believe Rob des Hotel allowed Jackie to end up with Fez. Gah. These are the logical reasons why this shouldn’t happen.

1. Right from the start, Hyde and Jackie’s bickering showed the audience of their chemistry.

2. Jackie always goes to Hyde for help, starting from season 1 (especially when it involves Kelso breaking her heart)!

3. Fez may have been drooling over Jackie from the very start but that doesn’t mean he was drooling in a sense that he was head over heels in love with her. Everyone thinks he’s just horny and I’m sorry, I didn’t want it to be that way; the writers established that fact all throughout the show.

4. All throughout the seasons I’ve been able to watch (up to season 5, I think?), Hyde and Jackie were consistent with the “there’s something going on between this two and it doesn’t need to be said out loud because it shows already” tone and when they stated the obvious, it was only a blissful confirmation. A major part of the show was devoted to their relationship and then suddenly, a last minute change, hooking up Fez with Jackie.

5. I don’t have a problem with the character Fez; I think he’s funny. But he and Jackie are so alike in being a “ditz” that I don’t think they compliment well. They have absolutely no chemistry. They’re both short and have a dark beauty aura. Even in physical ways, they don’t compliment each other! Hello? It was a very last minute thing, I think, and the writers did not have the time to make the audience see why they should end up together. And honestly, maybe they just didn’t want Fez to be confirmed gay or something. But everybody knows he’s a bisexual anyway…

6. Jackie and Hyde helped out each other’s characters. They improved each other, the way a relationship works. They seem to fight and stuff but they bring out the hidden side of their partner. Jackie’s kindness and even maturity and for Hyde, the soft and caring side of his.

Sigh. I can go on and on with this.

Anyway, the song needs editing. Maybe, I’ll let my bestfriend make the tune too. I already made the music but it’s also kinda lame and typical and it sounds a hell lot like Mojofly’s song uh, the one with the chorus: Wake up, reality bites… Blah, blah, blah. So there. Too poppish. If I have a nice tune, it will make up for the lyrics … but I still like it! The most beautiful line in it is still “Nobody’s fault but mine” and as you all (should) know is not an original concoction of my pretty little head. It’s the title of the episode when Hyde confessed to Jackie that he cheated on her. (Oh my God, I haven’t actually watched the whole episode but I know I’m gonna cry when I hear Hyde say he’s not going to do it again and Jackie responding, “That’s what Michael used to say.” I think I’m teary eyed right now…)

Yesterday was very weird, weirder than my dreams… I am scared. I’ve been so dramatic lately that you can probably step on my face and it wouldn’t be any different.

And what’s all this shit battles between different genres of music? It’s the battle between the uknown. Which is more cooler? The elite unknown even if it’s music is crap. Yes, apparently I am angry with anyone today. Nevermind this paragraph. In fact, nevermind the whole paragraph. I’m just angry, okay?

I can’t talk properly recently. It takes a whole lot of force to make me smile… Imagine how much force I’ve been losing everytime I go out. That’s why I had to bail on two meetings today. I am sorry. I just really really really can’t… can’t… I don’t know what. I just can’t.

I mean, it’d be okay if I can cry. But I don’t. I also can’t and it drains me.

I know you, my friends, have been very good to me, keeping up with all my shit and all but I need to be… alone? I don’t know. This is crap. Crap crap crap crap… I have no right to be this dramatic. I mean, did anybody die? Don’t answer that.

What’s worse, I don’t know what I want. I mean, I do have this "long term" plan at least, but I feel…. sad? Maybe I need a life coach or something, y’know, those people who get paid for ordering losers around.. Haha.

Fuck. I’ve sunk this low.