Hoban ‘Wash’ Washburn: I am a leaf on the wind - watch how I soar.
I can’t believe Joss did this. I mean, he’s Xander of Firefly, of Serenity. I didn’t see that coming! And I still have this hangover of "I can’t fucking believe that happened!" I hate you Joss Whedon, I hate you!
*runs to a corner and cry*
Why him? Why him???
Finally.
First and foremost, I wanna thank GOD… for, uh, I guess, staring. Watching me dance around… well, more like jump… or hop… or skip. The point is, you were there, God. Like you’re here now. Because you’re always around. Does that mean you lurk? Or stalk? God, that’s really kinda creepy… Especially now that it’s dark in my room.
Second, my MP4 for keeping me company as I try to ignore my bleeding ears.
Third, MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE for bleeding my ears.
Fifth, our lovely kitten, LONE RAGER who’s a bit retarded and tried to rip out all the papers I was trying to organize.
And lastly ME! Even though I’m quite dirty and haven’t taken my bath, I at least, drew a pretty convincing Santa Claus on my whiteboard. Finally… Oh, and yeah, wiped of the dust, swept the floor, blah, blah, blah…
Gag me.
I’m still having my stupid uterus cramps and I’m cleaning my room. So, yes, I’m emotional.
Seeing old letters, scrapbooks, etc. don’t work well for my nostalgic nature. With that, I ended up checking out friends’ blogs. Which really, really doesn’t bode well with everything.
I guess the reason why I’m cleaning my room again is because it’s the only thing that I can organize in my life. Back in highschool, we give pet names for each other like "tatay, teddybear, prinsesa, mahal ko, angel" and so on. Christopher Pike said that it might have to do something with our attempt to control. We label characters to our loved ones to suit our vision of what the world should be. But at some point, reality will always catch up with us and our fairytales will end.
Sabi san’yo e. Gag me. I’ve really, really become too emotional.
God knows how much I’ve changed. Batchmates can attest on my hopeless romantic image when I was a freshman in highschool. Up to my sophomore year, I was partly known for my love of poetry and quotes. Then on my third year, I swiftly became different. Dramatic days somehow ended and friends stopped asking me about love. It’s either because I just didn’t care about the philosophies of love anymore or my friends, too, changed their interests.
It was probably the first one, since I found myself witnessing my two bestfriends hook up with each other.
Nearing graduation, what I really cared about was my relationship with friends. I always assumed that I’d just get back to being eager with my studies when I go on to college (boy, was I wrong) so I concentrated "having fun" in my senior year. It didn’t work out as I planned since I ended up quarelling with some of my bestfriends for almost a year (because of them hooking up). But the happy ending was there. The happy ending meaning there was no ending. I’d always thought quarells will come and go but everyone will stay. And I don’t mean physically or literally.
Heto yung sinabi ko kayla Maribeth. Yung friendship spark.
I’m not the type who can usually be mushy in personal. Usually, because my feelings get the better of me and I choke on all these things I want to say. (I guess that’s why I lean on writing.) With that, I’m not the type who ask a person to stay with me forever. I don’t even try to show it (well, not conciously anyway). I’m just there, hoping that hey, I like you, you like me, I guess you’d be here forever, right?
I know deep down that a lot of things may go wrong. But when it comes to friends, I automatically assume that they won’t leave me.
Ironic.
Just like my bitter feelings towards the idea of romantic love. I fully believe that it’s not true. But deep down, I want someone to prove me that it is.
Alam kong magulo ang post ko kaya heto lang naman yung blatant na topic na umiikot sa isip ko: FOREVER.
Ilang beses ko na sinasabi sa mga tao na walang forever. That we should cherish THIS, and our memories because that’s all we have. And we live on the hope of what might happen and the wish that it will be forever.
Pero siyempre, it can’t ease the pain of messy endings slapping your face.
For over a year, I’ve been experiencing attitude problems. From someone whose dreams involve wanting to study everything she can lay her hands on came this apathetic creature who just wants to die because she "can’t feel anything" and who believes there’s no point in all of this because everybody’s just going to die anyway. With that, I looked for solace from my friends. Understably, they have their own troubles to deal with too so a cry for help didn’t actually look like anything to them.
(Note to helper-wannabes: Crying for help doesn’t have to include helpee literally crying out or slashing her wrists or anything. And if helpee pushes you away or puts up a wall, that only means she really really wants your help. Don’t diss her because her problems are waaaaay shallow compared to yours. That’s not the point. We thank God you can handle your life and we have to accept that some people are weaker than you.)
(Another note: Note above? No, that’s not me.)
Knowing that my friends have their own troubles to deal with, I stopped literally asking for their help and seeked solace in them in a different way. Here is where admiration moves in. With my life crashing and burning, I ENJOYED THEIR LIVES. Their continuing struggles yet the fact that they continued and they STAYED were the things that I was actually "happy" with.
Of course, in a typical formalistic approach of a story, that too shall be taken away from me.
Eversince I was little, I was given the formula for the makings of a "bitter" kid. Aunts and Uncles breaking and fighting over a piece of land, parents separating, cousins and friends being fooled by their boyfriends, etc.
I don’t even know why I got to highschool in a hopeless romantic state.
Even more, I don’t know why I forgot or ignored all of what happened when I was a kid and got myself to believe my loved ones will finally get their happy ending.
My thoughts were:
"Finally, they’re happy together."
"Maybe this one will finally work out."
I guess these thougts were ripped away from me too because someone up there is teaching me to stop using my loved ones as my escape.
Heto ang rason kung bakit ayoko sabihin sa tao ang forever. Ayokong ma-jinx e. Lagi ka namang papaasahin ng buhay e. Kaya wag na lang. Tumahimik ka na lang. Ang ironic pa nga diyan, yung mga taong nagsasabi nito, sila pa talaga yung mauunang sumuko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pa ako nagugulat sa ganito. Nakakatawa na sa mga maling tao ko binigay ang faith ko. Dapat pala sa mga katulad ko. Sa mga ayaw magsalita ukol dito dahil katulad ko, sila talaga ang malalim na umaasa sa forever. Ayaw lang din nila siguro ma-jinx.
Maribeth, wala pa rin akong matinong reply sa post mo. Feeling ko, dapat meron. Hindi ko kasi alam kung paano ko mai-a-assure ang takot mo gayong ako rin naman, takot lang din. Pwede ko namang sabihin na we should cherish our moments blah, blah, blah. Pero kahit iyon ang alam kong katotohanan, I still cling on to this silly hope na hindi natin kailangan kapitan ang katotohanang yon. Konti na lang ang pillars ng "forever hallmark card" ko. Hindi ko alam kung sapat bang sabihing kasama ka dun. Wala kasing binatbat ang post na to upang isang reply sa blog post mo e.
Anyway, I have to go back to cleaning my room. Plus, I really want to barf. Anakngpagong na disminoryang to. Pero bago ang lahat, lubus-lubusin na natin tong pagka-sobrang emosyonal ko:
Ikaw. Miss na kita, kaibigan. Pero kung wala na talaga ang friendship spark natin, gusto ko lang sabihin na na-enjoy ko ang pagsasama natin at nakatulong ito sa kung anuman ako ngayon. Negative man o positive, wala akong pakialam. Salamat ulit sa lahat.
2:30 na. Kailangan ko ng matulog. Mag-aadbentyur pa ako bukas. Anakngpagong Greenhills.
And I think I just realized that I have a fetish with turtles. Pero mas cute kapag tortoise ang tawag. Ahahahaha.
And I think I like Blue, Pink and Purple. Babae na daw kasi ako ngayon.
I’m really having a hard time looking for the falling snow code or a snow pixel for that matter.
I wonder why it’s so hard when it’s christmas already…
Yes, \you. The boy who’s so dense to read a simple fucking status message.
"i wish i wished you dead. but i don’t. i can’t."
That doesn’t mean she wants her dead, man. That means she’s still in love with her. But she can’t do anything about it except to stay away. And what do you do? Keep bombarding her with stupid messages. How can she move on when both of you are being stupid pricks?
You ignorant fools.
Un pa ren. Evil pa ren ako. As in. Alammo ung balot ka na sa warmth and light and all that goodness blah and you feel suffocated by it? I mean, diba? Sino naman ang nasa tamang pag-iisip na masa-suffocate sa warmth, blue sky at ice cream skipping? Anlabo talaga. Parang galet pa nga ako dun.
See, evil.
Siguro ngayon lang to. Naging inconsistent naman na ako. Baka bukas wala na. Sana forever ng wala. Pwe.
siguro, evil nga ako. as in, like, mas malala sa nazi evil. as in evil. selfish bitch evil.
realization lang naman.
tama nga sabi minsan nung iba, dapat hindi na nag-iisip. magulo lang lalu. kasi wala namang consistent sa buhay.
pero…
ayun. evil na ko. pwe. hay.
eto ang nangyayari sa kaka-philosopize. diba ung mga sinasamba ng mga "intelihente" na philosophers ay nabaliw naman nung panahon nila? wala lang. masama mag-isip ng marami. si leonardo da vinci rin kaya? ewan. lahat sila, naging malungkot ang buhay? malungkot kaya buhay nila? o ung mga taong "normal" lang ang nagsasabi nun kasi hindi nila gets ung kasiyahan ng mga katulad nila. O baka naman kasiyahan nila ung kalungkutan?
Pwe. Ano ba yan.
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In other news: racist na din ata ako… so evil nga? Haha. Pwe. (pero it’s funny how people say that it’s okay na maitim and then ang type nila e ung mga mapupute. labo. racist na ata ako sa mapupute. sama ko na lalo. haha.)
