1. I’ve been hiding in my short stories. Denying everything that’s all
coming together and projecting it in easy-to-decipher-codes just to
confuse everyone.
But still, everything came together and one huge light bulb appeared in the center.
I fell.
2.
My decision is getting stronger. My plan is getting more and more
concrete. I will go far away to maintain my sanity. From limbo to death
to…
Growing up.
"Another sad song with nothing to say
About a life-long, wait for a hospital stay
Maybe we’ll just shut up and play."
I know I should not overthink things and remain focused, not to mention, destroy the blurred clarity that I’ve achieved but the constant feeling that I’m floating all around above my world sticks around more than ever.
Disenchantment was what I felt before I totally crashed and burned. I’ve been feeling this maybe ever since I was born but I only took it seriously halfway through my freshman year. This is the time when you start asking that where does this all lead too? Is this all that it leads to? Is this it? After I finish schooling, get an average-paying job and live life to the extent on how I can afford to live life… then what? I felt like I want to shake my fists at the heavens and scream IS THIS IT?
I think that’s the prologue in the do-not-study chapter of my life. Sure, I have my pride and isecurity to blame too but like any other obstacle, I could have chosen to even just try to overcome it but I didn’t. Because even when I tried to do the stupid script and do some stupid research, I already gave up. Because I didn’t care what end it will produce. And then I just stopped trying altogether.
My mentor and I agreed that this is something hormonal; lately, she’s been experiencing it too.
The point is, I’m trying to go back into my world again. And everything seemed fine and dandy even though everyone’s already way ahead of me. I’ve been trying to bond with people and I firmly believe that we have to keep moving forward. I need to finish unfinished business to keep moving forward. Even though I’m still asking if all of these lead to are just series of repeated moments where your Big Bad, your obstacle, just keeps on getting bigger and meaner and you just keep on killing it everytime it surfaces.
So, as I’m trying to go back into my world again, the more I float around it. My emo year was the worst year of my life but it was probably the year that I truly felt I was in touch of myself. And now, sometimes, even when I’m already having a fun conversation with someone, I feel that I’m a ghost, watching myself talk to someone.
The state of disenchantment seems to be getting stronger than before but I made the choice to just shut up and play right? I should just stick to my decision because decisions are what it’s all about. So that we have a line to walk on to.
Right?
"If you would hold on
And need me to stay
You get the hard thoughts
Oh baby just the mistakes
We never really got too much anyways
Yeah, yeah, yeah, just go
Just go, run away
Where did you run
Don’t fight it just run away
Let it go…
And when you go, run don’t walk
And when you sing, scream don’t talk."
- MCR
So, matagal ng sinabi sakin na kapag ni-reciprocate nga daw niya ang feelings ko, hindi ko kakayanin. Kasi kapag ganon, hindi ko na kontrolado ang mga pangyayari. Ang vision ko, ang image niya, mamamatay na dahil supposedly, magiging malalim ang pagkakakilala namin.
Narealize ko kagabi na kaya ko siya gusto ay dahil trinatrato ko siyang isang… subject. Noon ko pa namang sinabi na kapag "na-attain" ko na siya, tsaka lang ako mage-get-over sa kanya. Parang sa isang subject na napasa mo na, hindi mo na to kelangang i-retake.
Anyway, lahat naman ata ng tao ay subject para sakin. Sa mga previous diaries ko, before ng aking emo year, puro tungkol sa mga kakilala ko ang nakasulat at ang aking analyzations sa kanila. Siya ang aking favorite subject kasi… interesting siya. Hindi ko lang ma-i-word ng maayos kung how exactly ang pagka-interesting niya. Siguro, just when I thought na nababasa ko na siya, meron siyang sasabihing magsu-surprise sakin. Mga tipong ganun at marami pang iba siyempre.
I’ve always been into characters ever since I was a kid. That’s the first thing that I’d try to look at in any form of art (hence, the addiction to Buffy, of course). And so far, I guess, siya ang pinaka-complicated at pinaka-magandang image that I fell in love with.
Ang galeng. Parang yung greek myth. Owel.
Some human brain tend to pile up stacks of protection over the most important detail it is forced to face. In my case, procrastination is my protection. Evasion is always the key.
Just when everything seem to be going better, if not well, The Gods hit you with the same important detail you thought you already conquered. Just to test you, of course.
Dahil wala namang kwenta ang friendster blog, kadalasan ay mga walang kwentang post lang din ang nilalagay ko dito.
Walang pinagka-iba ang post na ito.
Bago ko ayusin ang paglilinis ng bahay kailangan ko lang i-organize kahit papaano ang isip ko para mahatak ang paa ko pababa sa lupa at tumigil sa pagiging ilusyunada.
Tungkol ito sa KANYA formerly known sa kaunti na LUNES at sa mas marami ngayon, RED APOL at di nagtatagal nagiging SIYA na lang. Ibig sabihin, medyo delikado na.
Kailangan ko itong ibulgar sa accidental audience dahil ang maganda kong bestfriend ay wala ng oras para sakin (joke lang neri, *hugs* gago ka!). Basta ganun, tsaka kahit nasabi ko na to ke Maribeth kagabi, meron pang mga di nasabi at ergo, natitira sa sistema kaya kelangang itae na.
Ang sakit kasi ng ulo ko kahapon. Hindi lang naman dahil sa KANYA lang, dahil siguro matagal na akong di nakikipag-usap sa maraming tao at hindi na sanay ang utak ko kaya kahapon, sobrang napagod na ang utak ko. As in, kahit pagbabasa ng libro ni Pratchett ay di nako maka-focus.
Pero isang malaking parte nga siguro dahil sa KANYA.
Tang-ina. Ewan ko ba. Sakit talaga sa ulo. Tapos lagi pang tatanungin ng mga tao kung bakit ko siya gusto. Tas isasagot ko "Hindi ko alam!" with matching malalim na paghinga pa yan. Eto lang naman reaksyon nila, either:
1. "Anong hindi alam? Pwede ba yun? Hindi alam! Imposibleng hindi alam!"
2. "A, kapag ganyan. Ibig sabihin, mahal mo na."
AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGH.
Mga mahal ko sa buhay, vina-value ko ang opinyon niyo pero
AARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGH.
Look, ganito lang. Hindi ko po siya mahal. Imposibleng mahal ko siya. She’s just the bloody thorn on my bloody side. Kung mahal ko siya e di niligawan ko na siya. Napaka-impatient ko pa namang tao. At hindi ko rin alam kung bakit gusto ko siya. It may be something physical or whatever pero kelangan bang dahil sa maputi siya, etc? (hindi siya maputi) O, ganto na lang. Dahil cute siya. Astig siya. Kahit na sobrang disagree ako sa karamihan ng prinsipyo niya, hinahangaan ko siya.
Dahil interesting siya.
(I just realized that my brother is on my friend list. Yeta ka, pag binasa mo to at nagsalita… alam mo ang kademonyohan ko, at mga issues na kaya kong halungkatin o gawin kaya shaddap!)
Eto na. Eto na ung history.
Nung naghihintay sa interview para sa kurso ko, SIYA yung unang-una kong napansin na interviewee. Sabi ko sa sarili ko na ito yung gusto kong kaibiganin sa UP. Lalapitan ko na sana siya kaya lang kinausap ako ng isang babaeng medyo naging sikat sa aming block (hahahahaha) at kinausap na ako hanggang sa dulo ng walang hanggan. Ayon. Di ko tuloy siya nakausap.
Insert time here. Nakikita-kita sa tabi-tabi pero what the hell, doesn’t mean anything,
Hanggang sa naging classmate ko siya sa isang subject, freshman second sem. Ayon, classmate siya, doesn’t mean anything. And I forgot to mention, at about this point, kaka-over ko pa lang sa isang medyo mabigat ring infatuation nung highschool (which seems like ages ago…). And about this point, nagkaresolution ako sa sarili ko na no more infatuations. Everything was going well, hanggang
sa ma-late ako at siya yung nakatabi ko and hindi siya nakikinig sa prof non at nagdro-drowing ng stick figures at kawirdohan and then BAM! I have a crush on her. Na-realize ko na lagi ko siyang napapansin ever since, kaklase man o hindi tas kinilig ako nung nakatabi ko siya. So bam talaga. Me crush ako sa kanya.
Eto yung stage na masayang crush. Gusto mo lang ifriend yung tao, etc. Bale sa puntong ito, dito napatunayan ng bestfriend ko kung gano ako ka-stalker. As in, kinareer talaga, men. Madali lang naman e. (Lalo na kung schoolmate siya nung HS at crush din siya dati ng isa mo pang bestfriend.) Kausapin lang. Alamin kung san tumatambay at ilang mga klase. Tas madali ng gumawa ng paraan na parang natural na lagi kang nandun kung nasan man siya. Paglilinaw, wala naman akong balak na kung ano sa kanya non(yeta! meron na ngayon??? haha). Gusto ko lang talaga siya i-close. Sobrang ang saya-saya ko kapag nakakausap ko siya. Dami-daming kawirdohan and bonus, dahil medyo loner siya ang dating niya, mas madali talagang karirin at angkinin. (tang-ina, I sound like someone icky!)
(note to self: study curses in different languages aside english… para hindi masabihang mabaho ang bibig.)
Anyway, successful naman. Nakatulong na naging kaklase ko pa siya sa marami pang subject at alam ko agad ang likod niya kahit ilang kilometers away pa yan. Tested and Proven. Kahit na supposedly, nagpagupit or pumayat at lahat ng kachurvahan na nagbago sa kanya habang wala ako sa UP for almost one year at minsan lang ako sumulpot, alam ko agad ang likod o sideview niya. Tested and Proven. Pramis.
Me mga importanteng moments na hindi ko naman pwedeng idetalye ang kwento dahil kapag nabasa niya na to, sobrang obvious na to the nth degree na siya yun pero medyo malakas naman ang loob ko dahil wala siyang friendster, haha. Basta, nagkaron ng punto na hindi ako pumasa sa "cool test" niya. Alam at nasasabi ko to dahil natuwa naman siya sakin nung umpisa at siya pa nag-iinitiate na "magkasama kami" pero pagkatapos ng "cool test" aba, biglang wala ng pakialam sakin.
Not saying di ko na siya kaibigan, pero hindi na siya interested sakin (not talking about romance of course).
Anyway pag-umabot ka na sa puntong, nakakasama mo siya at kapag umalis siya at biglaan na lang mahihigop ang buong enerhiya na katawan mo, ano ang susunod?
Ang susunod ay kapag may simpleng supposed meeting lang kayo at na-stood up ka at maluluha ka na dahil lang sa isang maliit na bagayna ito.. at pagkatapos?
Pagkatapos ay marerealize mo na ooops, ibang level na to. Pipigilan mo na ang sarili mo na makasama siya.
And then makakasama mo siya tas lagi mo na siyang kinokontra ngayon, sa ibang level, as in pinepersonal mo na masyado ang buong diskusyon dahil lang sa sobang magkaiba kayo pero lagi mo pa rin naman siya makakasama. O gagawa ng paraan para makasama siya.
And then kapag halos bumabaksak ka na at nag-assign na ng coach ang prof mo sayo at hindi ka naman nakikinig sa mga coach mo dahil kaklase mo siya at masyadong busy ang utak mo sa pagpigil na isipin o tignan siya kaya hindi mo na makayanang makinig.
Bumagsak nga ako (in some sense, pero hindi lang naman dahil sa kanya, exaj na pathetic naman yun) kaya nawala ako sa school for a loooooooooooong time. It helped in a way because I was busy being too depressed kaya when the time came that I would see her again, natakot ako na baka malakas na naman ang tama.
Nasurprise ako na hindi. Ang weird. As in wala yung past impact niya. Nagtaka ako. Lalu na medyo accepted niya na ang pagtutulak ko sa kanya (wth? medyo flirt rin siya…) at me iba pa siyang gusto at wala akong naramdamang pagseselos. Ang gulo. As in wala akong pakialam.
Of course, or so I thought. E kung wala akong pakialam bat siya pa rin lagi yung nakwekwento at naiisip, etc?
So, magulo, yeta.
Anyway, sabi ng friend ko, I overthink too much kaya tae lang din ang lumalabas. At kung binasa mo to from start to finish, pasensiyahan tayo. Haha. Walang ending ang post na to. Kelangan ko lang talaga mag-release e. Masyadong busy kasi ang mga kaibigan.
Ang post na ito ay para makapag-salita lang ako ng salita hanggang maubusan ng sasabihin. Para lang mailuwa na ang nastuck na obsesyon moment ko dahil kahapon nakita ko siya at me impact kasi ang ganda/gwapo niya e! Pero dahil sa post na to, medyo okay na ako.
Haaaaaaaay. 
I’ve been pulling my friends along to make a new year’s resolution list with me. We decided, or rather, I forced
influenced them to have three categories basing on three major lines of
the so-called fortune reading palm… or something like that.
ANYWAY, its the
1. Life line
2. Business line
3 Love line
Which I’m probably going to post in some other blogs by the time I’ve finished putting in the tiny details.
So, anyway, the point of this post is to announce to the world (or at
least, the accidental audience) the other resolutions I should make
involving the life I waste away spend online.
1. I, INSERT-MY-FULL-NAME-HERE, SHALL VOW, NEVER AGAIN TO GOOGLE CRUSHES PEOPLE UNLESS IT’S SOMETHING PURELY ACADEMIC.
2. Stop blogging about EVERYTHING. It always lead to misunderstandings ergo troubles. Use the private option for buffy’s sake!
3. That goes with pictures too. Stop abusing Multiply’s unlimited storage.
4. Chat with EVERYONE on YM. Tis the year to be friendly. (mas madali namang maging friendly pag chat e, harhar…)
That should be about it for now. The list should be finished by tommorrow.
Pahabol: about the some previous post I made, another resolution for that too:
For 2007… or at least, hanggang pagkatapos ng semester na to, I’m
going STRAIGHT. (yes, really, batas militar, walang kokontra) Although
I believe that sexuality is not about preference and just something
that IS, I decided to tune out women for awhile. They mess me up more.
Handling boys’ way easier. And besides, sabi nga ng bestfriend ko, I
can’t handle when they start seriously (or even considering) liking me
back. So, I will not pursue. (—> have to make this my mantra…)
Will not, will not, will not pursue! Ye! I can do this!!!
